Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
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When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
Sorry, can’t. I looked away while my child was in the middle of an hour long run-on story and now he has to start all over.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Someone just threatened to call me later
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
Being made to smoke a whole packet of cigarettes is wasted as a punishment for getting caught smoking. I should be made to smoke cigarettes whenever I do anything wrong.
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
“I got in a fight at Michaels over glitter glue once, so you should probably step aside.”
-Me, to a guy buying the last of my favorite wine
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
What’s white & falls from the sky?
“The coming of the Lord.”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
…please enjoy this tweet. I’m going to hell.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
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