Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?

Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.

Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was

Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.

Dog: *wags tail*

Me: oh you’re good.

I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.

In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.

Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?

No?

Before & after 😅

CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news

Me: for really important stuff i guess

CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs

Me: i said impor-

CNN: using chopsticks

Me: she did what

When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.

My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.

I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.

Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up

Son: I want to be a dinosaur

Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.

Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president

I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.

Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?

ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.

ME IN 2022:
Oh.

Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.

What do we want?

ROCK HARD ABS!

When do we want them?

THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!

My 4yo: *tiptoeing down the hallway 3 minutes after I tucked him in like he does every night.*

Me: *shouting from couch,* Go to bed!

4yo: *peeking head around the corner, surprised,* How did you know it was me?

Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.

Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats

Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.

If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.

I used to hate waiters until I realized they’re not just being nosy. They need to know what I want to eat so they can relay it to the kitchen staff

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies