Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
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Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
SpongeBob has such a good life. Make burgers, catch jellyfish, play with friend. I want that. I want that for me. And I would have no problem with disposing of him in order to get it
According to science, the most stressful events for an adult are:
-Divorce
-Death of a close family member
-Personal injury or illnessAnd the most stressful events for a kid are:
-Bedtime
-Dad cut the sandwich into rectangles not triangles
-“He’s copying me”
In case you needed to hear it:
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dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
sorry for the inconvenience but the park will be closing for one hour because we accidentally made one of the dinosaurs too big
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He wore the grin of a man who has never fallen off a ladder. His knees felt like reheated custard.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
The best thing about winter in Canada is that all the Chupacabras migrate south for a year.
Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
Wish the trash would take me out for once.
great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.