Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.

I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.

Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Please drink your milk.
Me: Don’t forget about your milk.
Me: Have you drank your milk?
Me: Drink. Your. Milk.
3: Yuck, this milk is warm.

no caffeine: day 6

-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead

Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.

Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now

Being 6 is rough man!

God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.

Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.

God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album

Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?

Calamarie Kondo: What

Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.

Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.

Me: I stand by what I said.

There are two wolves inside me, one just took a brisk 1 hr walk while a drinking a gallon of water and the other binged an entire show and downed a pint of ice cream.

*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*

fly smarter, not harder

me: it is lonely at the top.

therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’

Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.

*googles how the hell I ended up here*

5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies

[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]

funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?

employee: well every time i put his left leg in…

One of the perks of marriage is having someone around to let you know which normal things from your childhood were actually very very weird

Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again

He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos

[inserting row in excel]

Excel: copy font format from the row above?

Me: no I’ll handle it

Excel: and copy border from below?

Me: no why?

Excel: idk :/

Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?

Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂

October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.

I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.

When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”