Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.

Same girl, same.

#Caturday

Nothing sucks more than a Monday.

Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!

Thought about doing many things today but that’s as far as I got.

If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.

gorilla trainer: don’t make direct eye contact with him he sees it as a threat

gorilla optometrist: uh oh

I just did a google search for “Gender reveal gone wrong” and great googly moogly.

More than one family in Florida has incorporated alligators into their gender reveal nonsense. MORE THAN ONE.

And a car in Australia exploded over the summer.

So cis people are super normal

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.

Ducktails gave me very unrealistic expectations of generational wealth among waterfowl

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.

I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money

[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer

Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.

god: ..and this part is your crust

earth: i’m a pizza 🙂

god: no that’s-

earth: everybody loves pizza 😀

god: but

earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)

god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.

I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.

We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.

Sorry I’m late. I sneezed while my mascara was still wet.

the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch

When someone tells me to ‘Take Care’ I’m all like: Are you threatening me muthafucker? Then we laugh & laugh & then I kill’em, just in case.

[after winning scratch off ticket]

*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*

His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.

Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.

My neighbor is mowing his lawn.

There is snow on the ground.

[locks doors]

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

Dude, the fact that I called YOU to bail me out of jail is quite the compliment, so let’s dial back that “It’s 4 am!” attitude, mmkay?