@waydybee

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

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@CliffDuffy

Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*

@3dog101

Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth

@Dani_Feld

Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.

@heatherjs

Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.

@FloodyHippie

I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.

@leechee420

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

@patnspankme

If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.

@delusions_of

Only resort to violence when necessary like when the grocery store won’t accept your coupon.

@TinaMav

I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.

@ShaeAaron

At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.