Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

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Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.

Her: That’s fine by me!

*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*


Friend – Your grammar is horrible.

Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth


Dear millionaires,

If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.


Why does everyone want me to come out of my comfort zone? I worked really hard to get there.


I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.


Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.


If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.


Only resort to violence when necessary like when the grocery store won’t accept your coupon.


I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.


At my age, “getting lucky” means being able to find my car in the parking lot.