@waydybee

Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!

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@MikeHeraly

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

@ATorres2181

*walks in
*wife is murdered
*looks at mirror
(Written in blood)
YOUR NEXT

“My next what?

*from the closet
“Oh sorry typo I meant you’re.

@YourTextSpoken

Just by reading the Marilyn Monroe quote you’re already handling them at their worst

@ObscureGent

To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.

@CherBear162

I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.

@Bob_Janke

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

@HatfieldAnne

Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]

cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children

@jonnysun

i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy