-If you say orange really slowly it sounds like gullible.
*walks around corner*
Me: (whispers) orrrrrrrraaaaannnnngggge
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
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Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
– Mr Miyagi telling Daniel how to bang a nurse
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
*busts a frantic u-turn in traffic*
*motions urgently for you to roll down your window*
YES HI DID YOU KNOW YOUR CAR IS LIME GREEN
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
New parent: So you have been a parent for 4 years. Any insight?
Me: It’s great. Sometimes you want to escape by faking your own death. But I’m sure it’s just a phase.
New parent: Oh, ok. How long does that last?
Me: So far? 4 years.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I thought I wanted to get married again.
Then I laughed and remembered why I shouldn’t think.