Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
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Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Give Jesus a fish, and you and your family will eat nothing but that one fish for a lifetime.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
If you’re gonna get on Mastodon, I would like to apologise in advance for being the guy responsible for posts being called “Toots”. I thought it was funny. And it is, and it’s even funnier that some people hate it. I take it back, I’m not sorry. Ha ha. Toots.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.