met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
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Sharon I have some bad news
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
“This is the worst karaoke bar I’ve ever been in!”
– me whenever my wife sings while driving.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
ProTip: Make sure heated seats are off before putting your purse on them…lipstick melts.
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
my 8yo: this girl at camp showed me her nooks and crannies today.
me:
me: nooks and crannies?
him: it’s a kind of candy.
me: whew
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
You probably need to be having sex prior to claiming you have a safe word.
My long hair falls out constantly so I leave it everywhere for birds to make nests, your honor. That’s why my DNA proves I’m thoughtful, generous, and especially not guilty of this crime.
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller