met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
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Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Pro debating tip:
Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Body by cheese-puffs.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
Me: *disappears for a few weeks*
Friends: *No concern*
Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*
Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
More foods should have boats, why should gravy have all the fun?
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
So disappointed. I was unable to witness the awesome spectacle of the Perseid meteor shower in the middle of the night because unfortunately the view in my location was totally obscured by a thick layer of bedroom.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil