Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My chess strategy is to make a bunch of erratic moves at the beginning to throw my opponent off, & then lose the game

Haunted houses are great but have you ever had a deer clear your hood at 55 mph?

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.

[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it

[Invention of the airplane]

Wilbur: We’re ready

Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working

Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?

Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go

Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.

Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.

My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”

just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.

I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”

So, if he gets divorced for the third time…

Does Melania get to keep the White House?

Friend: Can I borrow a pen?
Me: Sure!
*looks in purse*
*pulls out perfume, 17 Hershey kisses, a stapler & a baby goat*
Me: Sorry, no pen. 🙁

nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight

vampires: what the hell

never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?

Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-

Wife: Thirty-seven

9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

i wish i could marry a nap

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth

I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.

we need to bring back easter eggs on DVDs in case the Doctor ever needs to communicate with someone thirty years in the future to warn them about a race of terrifying sentient statues with the power to send people back in time.

Tried a new approach to filing taxes this year.

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*

Me: same

Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?