Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hmm, not sure about this change

Summer is here! You know how I know? Cause it’s kinda hot outside. And because my panties have little watermelons on them.

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket

psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant

Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed

Have kids so you can live in a house full of people who can’t find anything.

Vanilla Ice: if there was a problem, yo I’ll solve it…
[Guy from back of concert]: why did my dad leave?

Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding

Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???

Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️

What in the hell is “disposable income”?

Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.

Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.

Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.

I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”

i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 at a family get together

looking for:

⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out

Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.

Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

@ candidates for local office

A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.

I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…

*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

[forgetting what kombucha is called] do you guys sell bacteria cider

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”

Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.

My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.

Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.