Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[God making water]

“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what

*in court for murder*

I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.

Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world. Then made the earth round… and laughed…

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé

ME: Thank you, I found it outside

[phone rings]

me: hello?

NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.

me: [quickly hangs up]

Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.

Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.

My girlfriend just explained to me that people can’t actually go through black holes, and now I don’t really care about space anymore.

Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

it’s a van. how do they not know this

#NeverForget

Her: Wow, you know all the right moves in bed. How’s about a second go but this time lose the hat

Ratatouille hiding in my hair: Tell her your head is cold

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…

Sounds like a fun night!

I don’t want to say my wife and I are lazy, but we finally folded laundry yesterday and half the clothes don’t fit us anymore.

Waking up on Friday thinking it is Saturday is like getting a fake ID and learning it’s expired.

What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.

Just gonna take a nice stroll across the OMG ABORT ABORT!!!!

– squirrels

be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge

Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?

Client: sadly no. Just you.

Me:

Client: I didn’t mean it like that!

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.

Me: HALLOWEEN!!!

Ween: Hallo!

If mice just casually sauntered from room to room cats would probably leave them alone.