met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
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Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
ME: You’re a silly sausage aren’t you?
SAUSAGE: [peering over spectacles] I may have acted out in my youth but that’s not what defines me.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers
Doctor: You mean selfish?
[30 crabs come out of my pants]
Doctor: Haha here’s some cream
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
“Are we there yet?”
“ Ha ha! Yes, kids. We’ve been here the whole time! We live in this car now.”
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
What’s Ticketmaster’s favourite Christmas song?
Fleeced Navidad
#GoldCrackers
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
everyone picked up a quirky new habit during the plague i started blaming the sun for everything
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
I have a tattoo of a gigantic bruise on my left ankle in case anyone ever asks me to go hiking.
Or help them move.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom