met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
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911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
i said to my wife, “hey brat summer is over, what kind of fall should I have?” she said “a fatal one”
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
[Toddler scream crying at the top of his lungs in Target]
Me (yelling):
“SAME!”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
Assert your dominance by crossing out your coworkers name on their food and put your own.
Then eat it in front of them.
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
The secret to my impressive dance moves? Spider webs.
Newlywed advice: Grab the covers on the first night and tuck them under your side like you’re staking down a tent
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Jack and Jill went up the hill to catch the first flight off of this planet.
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?