met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
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‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
So I was sitting in a recliner in my underwear, watching a movie, eating ice cream and Doritos minding my own business and freaking Walmart calls the cops!
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
Them: How much would you have to win in the lottery to quit your job?
Me: At this point I’d probably walk if I won a free coffee in McDonalds Monopoly
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
Tried to back up today in a car without a rear facing camera. I killed seven pedestrians and three dogs.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
Me buying fruit and veg
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
When my wife came home I hid under a blanket and my quick thinking 5yo said to her “That’s not daddy under the blanket. That’s just a big lump.”
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
I’m disgusted every time someone does a gender reveal and it’s a gender I already know about, what kind of reveal is that
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
Boarding a plane so if a flight attendant asks if there’s a doctor I’m hoping I’m not the only one
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.