met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
When folks describe me as ‘a riot’, you might think it means I’m ‘fun and hilarious’. It really means I’m ‘broken glass and molotov cocktails’.
👾👾👾
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
[Fancy Restaurant]
Host: May I take the lady’s coat?
Me: Please.
Host: And yours sir?
Me: *tightens belt around my karate GI* You can try.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
[home alone]
murderer: [creeping up behind me]
me, loudly: i hope no one’s about to stab me cuz I’m thinking about making cookies later!
murderer: [pauses] what kind?
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
Don’t tell me what to do
I’m voting [cheers] for a third party candidate [boos] in a blue state [mixed response] in the chalamet lookalike contest [quizzical looks]
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*