met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
You Might Also Like
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
[commercial for kinder eggs]
are you tired of mean eggs
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Nothing more humiliating than sending a text message with a picture and the picture doesn’t send for ages and now you’ve said something sooo odd out of context
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
Instead of saying, “Someone’s in here” when a person tries to open your bathroom stall door, try one of these fun alternatives:
1. “Leave the package at the door.”
2. “I TOLD YOU IT’S OVER!”
3. “Larry?”
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Customer: We are never coming back!
Me: Promise?
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
On the face of it alcohol is so funny – you can take a potion that makes you so good at driving the government has to make it illegal
[Jeopardy]
Me: I’ll take common phrases for $200.
Alex Trebek: this comes before the fall.
Me: [buzz] what is summer.
Alex Trebek: sorry, the answer is pride.
Me: no Alex, I’m pretty sure it’s summer.
Them: So you weren’t being mean?? You are just an idiot?
Me:
Me: Is there a third option?
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
My dog watching me set my burrito down when I go to answer the door
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.