Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?

If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.

[at an indian restaurant]

me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.

her: what’s gooey naan?

me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?

[me giving tour of city landmarks]
and on your left you’ll see a corgi in a bandana—he’s not part of the tour but let’s go get a closer look

Kale: i strengthen the immune system

Avocado: i’m a healthy fat

Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein

Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes

Me: six twinkies please

Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.

Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.

Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.

accurate

[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*

[knock on my front door]

Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?

Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?

Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*

Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

“OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD! OH GOD!Damn these thin walls. Don’t know if my neighbors are having sex, praying or having a coronary.

Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.

Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.

business tip.

INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productive

SAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee

Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.

I could totally take Beethoven in a fight even if he wasn’t dead.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either

That was easy.

I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…

I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.

Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.

My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”

Me: “Santa died”

I don’t scram as often as I used to now it’s usually only if I’m in danger, or if the security guards at the fancy party realize my tuxedo is actually just a t-shirt

A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv

interviewer: can you work overtime?

me: *nodding* and space

ME: *Donates my body to science*

SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.