Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I can’t prove he’s involved (yet), but my 3yo has been obsessing over tow trucks for weeks and today we blew a tire 🧐 on nothing 🧐 for no reason 🧐
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
HIM: My new girlfriend’s name is “Bella”. That means “Beautiful” in Italian.
ME: It also means “War” in Latin…so good luck with that.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Everyone seems to be sharing this joke. Here it is from years ago in one of my old specials.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
The idea that librarians spend all their time telling children to shush is an unflattering, outdated, and severe stereotype. We actually spend all our time telling children to stop running.
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
The ad said “these dresses get compliments” like I’m some kinda compliment w#@r*.
Anyway, I’m gonna have a look at those dresses
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Nobody:
Shampoo bottle when I’m in the shower:
