Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
Talk about a bad egg
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
I want what every guy wants: To be involved in a rooftop chase.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
my dream DUI is driving a Saab through the Great British Bake Off tent
[before date]
friend: make everything about her
[date]
waiter: *trips and spills food everywhere*
me: *to date* this is all your fault
*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Husband: Want any Chic-fil-A brought home?
Me: Yes, I’d like the one by the mall, please.
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
Person I tried to rob describing me to the police:
“long hair, wearing pajamas, honestly she didn’t seem very committed to it.”
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Me: c’mon get back in the car
Serial killer vehemently shakes his head no
