me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
You Might Also Like
ME: Here’s your Mickey Mouse pancake
HER: This isn’t Mickey Mouse shaped
ME: I suppose you’d think banana pancakes should be banana shaped
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all French toast.
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
I cooked a new recipe for dinner and my 6yo ate it. If you need me, I’ll be out buying a lotto ticket because today is clearly my lucky day!
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
I was so happy when I got my first washer dryer, now, 3 kids and a puppy later, nothing short of my own laundromat would excite me
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
My parents: before you leave the house you should always go pee!
Me, as a kid:. No! I don’t need to go!
Me, in my 40’s: yeah I see what you mean!
Having to redownload the HBO app on four devices was the worst thing to happen to me since COVID.
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Nothing says you’re over your ex like showing up at his wedding with a bride and groom voodoo doll.
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Escape rooms are a fun way to discover you’re the dumbest in your friend group