me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
You Might Also Like
some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My son is begging for a pet dog as if he doesn’t remember what happened with our chia pet. Or the second chia pet. Or the third…
Fact: Alcohol increases the size of the send button by 89%
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
First thing I do when I move into a new apartment is buy a drum set
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
everyone gangster til the tickle monster show up
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Why aren’t auto body shops called…
“Fender Bender Menders??.”
And they should be paid in Fender Bender Mender Tender.
And when you pay that, you’re a Fender Bender Mender Tender Spender
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Step 1) Ask mom to come meet your girlfriend.
Step 2) Text “Medusa’s excited to meet you.”
Step 3) Place statue of yourself on your lawn.
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
it amazes me that people still say they want a “fairy-tale marriage” when most fairy-tale marriages end with the lady getting angry and returning to the sea from whence she came.
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
I have got to start making popcorn before I login to Twitter to watch my shows