Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there was another, tinier cement truck inside

Lady, if you have five nearsighted kids the same age then you probably have bigger problems than me calling them “squintuplets”

Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?

40-26-36.

My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.

if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you

I’d like a food blog without recipes. Just stories of self-empowerment that somehow lead to butternut squash risotto.

to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain

“Did you see that new drama last night?”
“No?”
“Oh you’d love it!”
“What’s it called?”
“I can’t remember”
“What channel’s it on?”
“It was either BBC or ITV, I think”
“Who’s in it?”
“That chap who was in the other thing, he’s been in loads of things”
“Right, I’ll check it out”

Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

Them: Tell us something about yourself.

Me:

kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up

me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ

Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.

Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”

I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.

Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’

Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.

It’s weird how many people at my office are named “Hey.”

[my first day at Marvel Comics]

Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!

Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!

My doctor told me “good luck” and gave me finger guns so obviously I’m dying

911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”

Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it

5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.

I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.

“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo

Sorry can’t, setting up an alarm on my spice cupboard so my mother-in-law won’t rearrange it

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.