Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.

You either get a kid who eats like a bottomless pit, or you get one that when asked what they want for lunch answers “No thanks. I had lunch yesterday”

wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better

me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.

Toddler: happy birthday daddy!

Me: aw thanks buddy!

Toddler: it’s my birthday too?

Me: no your birthday is in December.

Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!

Me: no-

Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

Me: but-

Toddler: SAY IT!

Me: happy birthday?

Toddler: thanks daddy!

Me: Please stop asking me a question every five seconds. I just want to sit on this couch and rest.

Therapist: Umm…you do know where you are, right?

Me: AGAIN with the questions!!

One of my shoes has developed a squeak and now any walking I do has a slightly downcast Charlie Brown quality to it

I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down

Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are

i don’t like little dogs. i draw the line at ever having to say “we’ll go outside later, Brutus. there’s an owl out there.”

My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist

*makes airplane noise*
*swings arm around*
*slides chapstick across your chapped lips*

Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.

“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops

I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

Shout out to the unmuted lady in this Zoom webinar who has the hiccups and is highlighted as the speaker every time she hics

“go to hell” is basic. “i hope James cordon plays a starring role in the movie of your favorite musical” is real. it’s possible. it’s terrifying.

Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free

Also Spotify: we have no concept of time

Step 1: Go for a meal with your friends
Step 2: All place your phones on the table
Step 3: Whoever looks at their phone first pays
Step 4: Shout “SIRI CALL MOM”
Step 5: Never pay for food again

[cat diary day 2]
ok the guy just came and stole my poop again wtf

Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*

I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.

I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.

this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies

Nothing puts me in touch with my mortality like stepping onto a downward escalator.

DATE: So tell me something about yourself

ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’

HER: I need to see other people

I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.

But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.