[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
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to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
Early morning work meeting, boss kept telling us to “lean in”
I leaned in so much, I fell asleep at my desk.
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.
Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
People outside of NYC: TERRORISM!!!!!
New Yorkers: Dude’s a loser with a crappy bomb who’s crowning life achievement is making my train 36 minutes late.
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
I triple waxed for this?
You know you’re an Alcoholic when you can’t even say the word “sober” without making air quotes
Welcome to your 50s, water now gives you heartburn.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.