Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

May never get over this

bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:

DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?

Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.

My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

*bedtime*

Me: What does Winnie sleep in?

10: Dad… no

Me: POOJAMAS!!

10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.

My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.

*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?

Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.

Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this

Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition

Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.

Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄

I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.

if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends

*fills the ice tray once*

I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE

Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?

I just did.

Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦‍♂️😂

Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?

Me: Rock climbing.

PT:

Me:

PT:

Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.

Encore…

It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.

The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.

Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.

getting old is fun

Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.

This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists

A miracle birth, then resurrection. Accept Frosty the Snowman as your personal savior.

Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.

“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’

“HULK WANT LOAN.”

Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”

“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”

Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?