Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
You Might Also Like
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
called in thicc to work this morning
when i am in a store i always seek out the dustiest corner and lay my eggs there
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Ninja turtles from Italy have names like Dave or Randy
they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
(Electricians.)
I taught my kid the importance of stop, drop and roll at an early age. Now he never blocks my view of the television.
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for