Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.

(after bedtime)

3:DADDY COME INTO MY ROOM!

Me: go to sleep.

3:YOU HAVE TO COME IN BECAUSE I CAN’T HEAR YOU

M: yes you can

3:NO I CAN’T

It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it

A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”

Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.

Billy Joel song- A Matter of Trust
windy day song- A Matter of Gust
affair song- A Matter of Lust
push-up bra song- A Matter of Bust
Swiffer song- A Matter of Dust
rocket launch song- A Matter of Thrust
junkyard song- A Matter of Rust
deep dish pizza song- A Matter of Crust

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice

I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”

I left my wallet in the car and asked my 9yo if I could borrow $3. He gone say “look at me carrying this family on my back”.

Boy…💀💀💀💀

My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

Never run with scissors. Unless…

• You stole them
• You’re running a 400 meter scissor relay
• You’re being chased by giant paper dolls

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete

Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.

[performance review]

boss: what would you say is your biggest strength

me: i’m consistent

boss: but you’re late every morning

me: ya

Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING

A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year

I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.

Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked

Me: preferably over some type of heat source

“Mom guess what I’m getting married!!!”
Is he rich?
“I think so. His name is Charles Mansion”

We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day

Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you

Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups

Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey

a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath

You knock on the melon to test freshness but something knocks back

me: my cup runneth over…

sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.

As a New Yorker, my plan for renewable energy is to simply mention the word “bodega” on Twitter, then let the irrational fury from everyone outside the city fuel us for then next thousand years.