Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*

Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.

People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.

My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.

Man: “Excuse me. Can you tell me the quickest way to the next town?”

Me: “Are you driving or walking?”

Man: “Driving.”

Me: “That would be the quickest way.”

deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.

[Satanic ritual]

Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this

Me: the sacrifice

Leader: they’re cupcakes

Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM

Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do

Home Alone teaches us that a child can’t pack a suitcase but can create a fully functional flame thrower to harm a small New Jersey man.

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”

I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.

My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”

F Bombs for everyone! 😃

Good morning

Hubby: You were grumpy yesterday.
Me: So, you’re grumpy every day.
Hubby: At least I’m consistent.

[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha

You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.

“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”

-Amazon suggestions logic

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi

I said something about March 31st and my husband said, “Honey, there aren’t 31 days in March.”

Friends, with the most-bro-is-always-right smirk, he pulled his phone out to fact check my ass and then said, “Ha Ha Just Kidding! You know I was kidding right? It was a joke.”

I’m pretty bad at math until someone orders mozzarella sticks for the table.

King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.

Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.

The way I see it, the only thing my daughter’s little “boyfriend” needs to know about me is I ain’t afraid to go back to prison.

Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson

Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.

Me:

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.