Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
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I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
I watched the movie, Trolls, with my kids and was really surprised that I didn’t see a lot of these Twitter accounts
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
It doesn’t matter how many signs I put up around the office, HR said high five a co-worker in the face with a shovel day isn’t a thing.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
Good morning
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
🤣😂🤣😂
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
My Dad just turned on a documentary about WWII. At the start it warned “may contain violence”. Dad muttered, “that’s a bit of an understatement, isn’t it?”
That awkward moment when the poltergeist in the TV calls you by the wrong name.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro