Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.

[Therapy]

Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”

Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.

Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks

The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.

That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.

Last night, my daughter asked, “Mommy, why was Daddy the only guy who dated you, if you’re so cute?”
“Oh, well,” I replied, “there used to be plenty of guys who were interested in me.”
“Yeah, but not anymore!”

do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.

[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”

Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.

Guess that’s the cost of inflation.

Me, sets my alarm for 6.30 am.
My brain: I will start to sleep at exactly 6.30 am.

I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him

(reads smudged writing on hand during date) i just want to say that u look really preffy tonight

I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.

I’m not sorry.

Mean while, back on Facebook, Jennifer is blaming the birth of her son for her being fat.

Her son is 6 ….

me: another

bartender: *slides over pudding cup*

Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”

Rubbing your own eyes good n hard is awesome, but the thought of someone else doing it for you is horrifying.

My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.

*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*

I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.

I am angry but not like really angry. More like Facebook angry where I call you letters of the alphabet. You F’ing B.

[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost

“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available

*office*
Me:…
Coworker:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:…
CW:…
Me:*puts headphones on*
CW: Hey just sent you an email

I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”