Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”

Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again

Alarm clock: *continues to beep*

Neighborhood so sketchy, Santa removes the reins from his sleigh and carries them in with him.

to any witches I’ve offended: please don’t shrink me, it would be just awful if I had to go live in this large nineteenth-century doll’s house

Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.

if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever

The enemy of my enemy is my friend. But I’m my own worst enemy so I guess I’m also my best friend.

The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

Not all dogs go to heaven because I just saw two dogs having sex and dogs can’t get married. Hope you both enjoy hell.

[wedding vows]

Me: I vow to make sure you see the brake lights ahead of us.

Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.

Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.

Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.

I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.

Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.

Me: So you go back to the office for work.

Husband: And?

Me: And?

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

ME: There are 18 sheep.

RANCHER: Round ‘em up!

ME: There are 20 sheep.

I accidentally made eye contact with someone on a zoom meeting. I quickly looked away dripping in discomfort. Then I remembered it was zoom and we didn’t make eye contact at all, she looked at her camera.

The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.

when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go

The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.

The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup

Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.

My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.

Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.

it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman

I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake