Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel bad for married ghosts. My parents have been together for decades, and they bicker all the time. Imagine how much a couple would fight after a few centuries. You just want to relax but your spouse is still mad about something you said during the Civil War.

Me: pick and choose your battle.

My son: I choose every battle.

“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”

My wife asked why I spend more time preparing for fantasy football than I spent planning our wedding, and apparently that wasn’t the best time to explain my amazing draft strategy.

Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.

Most high pressure job at the Euros is definitely the guy engraving the trophy live in the stadium. If that were me I’d panic and chisel in ‘SPONG’ or something

[in the woods]
ME: [picking up a thimble] what’s that doing out here
A TINY MOUSE: [hiding in a log] this man has stolen my hat

Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?

Wife: Ewan McGreggor

Me: Thank you but you can only pick one

Crazy but true: Over 80 percent of twins seperated at birth have the same exact birthday.

“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals

wife: he uses food as a crutch

marriage counselor: is this true

me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe

“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich

I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.

Me: “Excuse me, hi”
Her: “Um, I have a boyfriend”
Me: “Good for you. I was trying to say your herpes cream fell out of your purse”

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

[blind date]

HER: I’m a Nihilist

ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country

I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.

ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and

No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body

My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.

But congrats on your pregnancy!

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”

– the original two-step verification

Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.

A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”

That seems sus.

Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.

Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.

7: are eggs vegetables?

10: no! and they’re not fruit either, they’re children!

Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.