Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn

peep davidson

Home alone tonight

The fridge is making weird noises

I think the beer wants out….

I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

Thin eyeliner today.

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*left one goes fatter

*right one goes fatter

*covers entire face.

The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.

Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.

*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect

Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch

i’ve decided to detach from being non-materialistic

I delete my mistakes so now my kids live in constant fear.

If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.

Well, Well, Well if it isn’t the words I was told I would eat one day.

It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.

With everyone here having multiple personalities, you’d think we’d collectively get more done.

Someone die? Time to get high!

Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!

(BYO shovel)

Knuckle tats:

(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)

Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing

“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”

I have gained 8lbs and even though I’ve eaten a steady diet of junk food and sugar and only worked out three times in the last two months this seems really really unfair, you guys

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

I’m on the steak diet. You just have four steaks for breakfast, four for lunch, then a sensible dinner of six steaks.

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.

“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper