Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
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I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
Things Women Over 30 Should Never Wear
1. exploding glove
2. ham sandwich
3. flaming fireplace
4. Dead bird helmet
6. shark eggs
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
Ouija boards are officially obsolete, now that the dead can read messages addressed to them on Facebook.
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes
Leaving hotel: just don’t kill anybody but if you do take the body please. But it’s ok if you don’t
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
KILLER [burying me alive]:
ME: I appear to be in… grave danger.
KILLER [calls the police]:
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
This morning around 3am:
“Wooo wooooooo woooooooooooooo”
“Woodtdtdtd Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdt Wdtdtdtdtdtdtdtd”
WTF??!?The Border Collies figured out that the fan makes their voices sound funny if they Wooo directly through the middle, so guess what they’ve all been doing since 3am.
When a possum plays dead he’s “smart” and “instinctual” but when I do it, it’s all “what’s wrong with you” and “crime scene investigators are at the door.”
I haven’t been laid in so long that the Pope is laughing at me.
Just once I’d like to buy a house plant that didn’t have the lifespan of a soap bubble.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
How it started: No kicking balls in the house!
How it’s going: Just do it in the hallway where you can’t break anything.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together