Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
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Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
ME: *wearing multiple earrings, a face mask, earbuds and glasses*
EARS: Shall I hold your purse as well or are you good?
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
War & Peace
Dr. Batty was such a responsible doctor. We could all learn from his example & not give cigarettes to the under-6s
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
If you make a simple mistake but fix it right away, what year will your spouse finally let it go?
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
In order to stop teeth grinding, it’s recommended you sleep with your jaw slightly ajar.
While you’re at it, you may as well lay out a welcome mat for spiders.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.