Meteorologist: It’s going to get even hotter.
Me [on fire]: HOW
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How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Breaking news:
I told a second grader today I didn’t have a cell phone when I was his age and he looked at me sadly and said oh so you had a flip phone?
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
the urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive bro , like chill we’re getting there 😭 don’t threaten to come out
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
If horror movies have taught me anything, it’s lock up your butcher knives if your child addresses you as “mother” or “father.”
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
Blue cheese dressing makes anything a salad. For example, this french fry salad I’m eating right now
I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
5: are there people coming tomorrow?
me: no why?
5: well you guys cleaned the house
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
girls will be like “it’s fine” and then go and curse your whole bloodline.
At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Cinematography is my passion
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.