Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
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You take the oxy out of oxymoron
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
Wait…. she had the Royal baby, walked out and showed it to everyone, then went home?! I had fast food yesterday and couldn’t leave the couch.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
*Blows dandelion in the wind*
*stares at stem*[whispers] “Now you’re just somebody that I used to blow”
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
Me: Hey Mr. DJ, do you take requests?
Dj: Yes.
M: Excellent, can you turn it down a bit.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
*about to rob bank
Me: you cool
Partner: as a cucumber
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually cucumbers are room temperature
Me: why is he here again
me: would you like beans?
3: no
me, trying to instill manners: no…what?
3: no beans
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
My girlfriend sat up in bed at 3am and yelled “they’ll never find his body” and then giggled. So no sleeping ever again i guess.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.