Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
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If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Duolingo should have an “I’m going on holiday to this place very soon” setting so it teaches you “can I have the bill” and so on instead of “the cow boils an egg”
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Everyone should release their taxes because I cannot read them understand them anyhow
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?