Meteorologists are always good looking because we won’t stand for being lied to by ugly people
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If a kid yells “MOM” in a crowded store, a dozen women will spin around to look. If a kid yells “DAD,” a dozen guys will duck & hide.
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Wife: What essential oil will help me sleep?
Me: Chloroform
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
I’ve developed a program that checks my Facebook each day and automatically sends “Happy Birthday” posts. I run it on a cloud service that’s so cheap that I’ve loaded it with enough credit for it to run autonomously for ten years. I’m worried it’ll keep going after I die.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
where’s Godzilla when we need him
gonna have me one of them sexy closed-casket funerals, leave somethin to the imagination
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
WEBSITE: Forgetting something? We noticed you left something in your basket
MOSES’S PARENTS: ummm…
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
But what if options were limited, and portions were small and overpriced?
– Food Trucks
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
Me every time my old dentists office calls me to schedule an appointment not knowing I changed to a new dentist
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.