Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
You Might Also Like
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Walmart stopped selling hoverboards due to safety concerns. In case you were curious about those empty shelves between the guns and the ammo
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
My wife was doing her morning crossword and asked…
“Where is Dakar” And I answered… “in da garage”.
Him: “Age is just a number.”
Me: “Technically, age is a word….”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
*putting all my eggs in one basket and singing about it” carry yolky
Yogi’s cousin Yoga Bear teaches classes at the maul & carried off a camper named Matt.
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.
I took my toddler on a 2 mile hike so confident it would tire him out, we finally made it back to our car and he asked if we could go one more time.
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.