Meteorologists are always talking about the weather and hardly ever about meteors.
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[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
she FINALLY texted me after 16 hours now i will make her wait 45 seconds
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
can’t believe Skyrim is still $60. should come free with all computers like solitaire or pinball at this point
doctor: i have your blood test here
me: and?
doctor: you failed
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
I don’t think I will be asked to make a curry again 🤣🤣🤣
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
indiana??? now they’re just making up states
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.