“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
You Might Also Like
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
It’s taking this nurse 20 minutes to get my chart ready for the doctor, every few minutes she asks which hand is numb again.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
❤️🦆
[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]
Me: No
Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.