@dxblarssonENG

Meth addicts gets all their drug money from the tooth fairy.

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@Sickayduh

Jogging in place at a crosswalk makes you
A) hole
B) cool
C) what I did there
D) bag?

@Reverend_Scott

DOG 911: What’s your emer-

DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE

DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?

DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY

DOG 911: OMG

DOG: OMG

@N0pantz

I’m convinced some of you are here because someone didn’t properly lock your cage.

@Lucifervor

[at a climate change conference]
Scientist: What have YOU done to prevent global warming?
Me: bro I made the change from spicy nacho to cooler ranch Doritos

@ThisOneSayz

I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.

Long story short, I need bail money.

@notsoevilrick

My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.

@breatheandlove

If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.

@flashember

SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]

@Smooheed

Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke

@donttouchjames

i heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out