Jogging in place at a crosswalk makes you
C) what I did there
Meth addicts gets all their drug money from the tooth fairy.
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DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
I’m convinced some of you are here because someone didn’t properly lock your cage.
[at a climate change conference]
Scientist: What have YOU done to prevent global warming?
Me: bro I made the change from spicy nacho to cooler ranch Doritos
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
[tree sighs in relief]
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
i heard a couple arguing in mcdonalds and the guy stood up and said “i’m mcdone with you” and walked out