Interviewer: Vader says you aren’t the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that?
Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.
Meth, because teeth are annoying.
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“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.
You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me.
Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder
me: righty tighty lefty loosey
roses are red
i’m crossing a bridge
A man has emailed to tell me I am a bad journalist because the statistics in my article are actually four years old.
I wrote it in 2013.
me: no shoes in the house