Meth, because teeth are annoying.

You Might Also Like


Interviewer: Vader says you aren’t the Jedi you used to be. What do you have to say to that?

Yoda: Ousside Dagobah, cash me.


“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE!?” I yell to my husband as I hand him the trash.


Date me?

You can’t afford the maintenance to keep me.

Vodka, high heels, steak, shiny clothes, tonic, Victoria’s Secret, and bail money.


Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds

Friend: That just means it’s settling

My fiancee: *creaky sounds*


“guilt-free treat” bro i’m eating a cookie, not on trial for murder


me: righty tighty lefty loosey

frankenstein: stop


A man has emailed to tell me I am a bad journalist because the statistics in my article are actually four years old.

I wrote it in 2013.