Meth is short for Elizameth.
You Might Also Like
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
If you’re faking your own death don’t use Google. They always check your Google searches. Use Bing. That’s what it’s for man.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.
Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*
I hate when you go to church and another guy is wearing the same goat mask.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
To know your enemy, you must become your enemy.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
I’d hang this in my house.
Look, all I’m saying is that it would be far more impressive to see someone turn lemonade into lemons
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Best Halloween decoration so far. 😅
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine