Meth is short for Elizameth.
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Is anyone gonna tell them?
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
[bakery]
Him: This wedding cake is perfect for us! Look at all of the tiers!
Me: Definitely not happy tears
Him: What?
Me: What?
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
Hypnotist: Look deep into my eyes
Optometrist: I am please stop talking
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
Me as student: how can I make my essay 400 word essay longer to fit this 500 word limit
Me as professor: if I cut 5,099 words, I will almost be at the 12,000 word limit
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
SITCOM IDEA: Career criminal who keeps getting arrested because he hires an official photographer to take pictures of him doing his crimes.
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter
Note to future self:
Tequila is a liar.
You do not sound exactly like Axl Rose & the people at karaoke will not catch you if you stage dive
I decided not to go for a run today because of the weather but mostly because of the running.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
My daughter sat beside me on the bed with a granola bar, so I’m gonna get back at her by eating powdered donuts in hers.
Titanic is my favorite movie about how to get rid of your boyfriend and make it look like an accident.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
AAA is king of the junk mail. Once a week I get an envelope that looks like divorce papers and inside it’s like “time to split… with roadside anxiety”
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
The mask helps cover up a bad mood, but my middle finger gives me away.
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.