Meth is short for Elizameth.
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a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
[to a mushroom] ok, pretty cute. but let’s see you without the hat
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
For what I lack in imagination, I more than make up for in something else.
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Your “poetic” tweets would be so much better if Adele hadn’t thought of them first
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
A teacher grabbed my arm in the 3rd grade and pulled me to the back of the line. When I asked what I did, she said you know what you did. I’m 47 and I still don’t know.
In 1974 I helped a man called “Falcon” throw a heavy bag into the river.That nite on the news, I learned what it was: 300lbs of used condoms
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.
Illegal immigration is not a new problem. Native Americans used to call it “White People”