Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is the best one I’ve seen

The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”

The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”

“Check engine”

Yep, it’s still there.

My wife is so cute with her love of crime documentaries and her fascination with serial killers and her internet searches for “untraceable poisons” and “how to dispose of a body.” Wait.

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.

[police interrogation room]

Officer: you’ve been identified as the runner who..

Me: Let me stop you right there.

ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*

Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.

Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.

*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*

The CDC should absolutely have a prison

ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.

TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.

ASSISTANT: Like who?

TRUMP:

I’m sorry but I strongly disagree

half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Spent the day dressed as a bee, gently bumping myself against my neighbor’s sliding-glass door. Got the hose twice.

ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you

ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator

A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice

I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.

Jesus, take the wheel.

Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.

Burning rubber…

While driving a race car: Good
While using a condom: Bad

“Another pancake?”
“No, honestly, 38 is enough for me”

The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.

Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice

If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear

Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.

Me: [getting mugged]

THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK

Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.

Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink