Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
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me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
*interrogating cat*
Admit it! You’re a Communist!
“Meow”
A no-good red!
“Meow”
Tough guy eh?
“Meow”
We can do this all night.
“Mao”
You–wait
Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.
I don’t eat bananas anymore cuz I can’t take the chance of someone taking a picture of me eating something healthy
a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
My 3yo biggest talent right now is threats. Yesterday my husband and him were sliding in socks and my husband slid when it was 3yos turn and he got mad and yelled “I’m going to bake your feet into pies and then you won’t be able to slide at all bc your feet will be pies
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
Guy who pronounces HOA like boa
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap