Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
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[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Salem during the 1600’s was great. If your woman pissed you off, you just tell people she’s a witch and they kill the bitch. For free.
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
which auto response should i send back to my dentist?
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
“The world is finally getting back to normal”
Omicron:
I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
“I have a headache” was not the invitation to sit down and talk to me that you think it was
As a retiree, I have two pairs of pajamas. Bedtime and daytime. Sometimes I get them confused.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
I like both candidates but I think we need somebody older