*methodically going through sword maneuvers, but with a foot long sub*
Son, one day you will learn these moves just as my father taught me, and my father’s father taught him. It is the way of our people. The way of the peaceful warrior. The Subway.
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Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
I can’t get you off of my mind. I need you inside of me now. C’mere, and let me devour you.
-me, to my cheese and crackers.
Me: “Oh, this is my dinosaur, Rory.”
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: Roarrrr… get it?
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Passed a gym sign that said “Have those new yoga pants been to yoga yet?” and I feel personally attacked.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
The police never think its as funny as you do.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
Oh thanks BBC.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
“No,” said the bus driver, not even taking an eye off the road. Feeling my face reddening with anger but not wanting to cause a wreck, I calmy repeated myself, “I need you to give me back my kazoo right now please.”
i’m so sick of this guy
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.