Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.

I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician

oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“

Me: I have a toothache.

WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.

After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.

My 17yo just asked me how to make toast. There goes any hopes of a college scholarship.

what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonka

what scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka

First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.

Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.

like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.

when your pet decides to sleep on your bed

Me: Man I’m never going to find the one

Friend: You will, dude

Me: [browsing Netflix] There’s just too many options

ME: I want a normal night of sleep

MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.

“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

I found a guy today on Reddit that goes into the loss prevention subreddit and brags about how he is always stealing cheesecakes from Costco. He’s the cheesecake joker. He even tells them how he’s doing it

anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me

me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP

also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((

“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”

Me:

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

People judge public housing, but it’s cheap and your neighbors sell you drugs so I’m not sure I see the problem…

I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.

I once watched two guys arguing in sign language.

Either that, or they were both really bad at martial arts.

Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either

What’s the opposite of coffee?

Sneezy.

My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked