Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
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and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
People used to have to hunt for food now its like omg two people are in line ahead of me at Starbucks.
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.
Seaweed is great for when you want to eat pure salt but wish it had the texture of slime.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Went for a 4 mile run this morning. Now everything hurts… even my eyelashes.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Zookeeper: we suspect one of you stole a giraffe
Zoo employee 1: oh no
Zoo employee 2: oh no
Me: [knitting a tremendously long scarf] oh no
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
I saw a shooting star tonight and thought if the other stars had guns this would never have happened.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
Olympic gymnast: does the most amazing thing I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear, that will be a point deduction.
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
I wrote myself a note to be more organized. It’s here somewhere.