Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there

friend: you live in an apartment complex

me: oh yeah

My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”

But I just call a spayed a spayed.

When I was little and I had a runny nose, I would cover it with a Band-Aid instead of blowing it. That should’ve been my parents’ first clue.

Go suck an egg. Lick a mango. Breathe on an avocado. Make everyone at the grocery store uncomfortable.

[If my dog could talk]

DUDE, IT’S BEEN 9 YEARS. I GET IT. I’M A GOOD BOY

nobody needs to go to school for code. if your code doesnt work just keep putting } at the end until it works

I guess the guy who named the space between stuff in the universe “space” was just tired.

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

Girlfriend left a note on the fridge “this isn’t working, you take everything too literally”.

She’ll be so happy when she sees the new one.

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

I’m sorry WHAT sleepwear?

I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time

You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud

Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.

Google maps: You’ve arrived.

Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?

Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on

Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.

I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.

“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.

She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

Me: How’d you injure your back?

Friend: I dropped something, bent down to pick it up, and my back said, “You sure ’bout that?”

I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.

me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.

I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.

I wouldn’t mind weight fluctuations if it weren’t for the Pants of it all