Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
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A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Pfizer: Our new Covid vaccine needs to be stored at minus seventy degrees which will create logistics issues.
My wife: Would you like to use our bedroom?
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
Only 261 days until Oktoberfest.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Accountant: ok gross income looks good, what about any losses?
Willy Wonka: Just those 4 kids lmao
Accountant: what
Willy Wonka: what
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.