Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.

Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.

there was a fight tonight in ~hot sculpted yoga tonight bc one girl took another girl’s mat and it ended w the first girl *flicking the other girl’s forehead* after the teacher saying “don’t do it..don’t do it…DON’T DO IT’ and when she did it the whole class collectively gasped

#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?

Interview:

“What’s your greatest weakness?”

*I look at my watch then lean in*

How much time do you have?

I like to do laundry in stages. For example, right now I’m in denial that I should be doing laundry.

Date: You seem close to your mom

Me: I am

Mom: It is a small table for 3

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?

ME: I’m giving you to the count of three

SON: does he have a castle?

some Old Testament wisdom

My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.

I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon

Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..

Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.

FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”

Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”

FBI: “K like not anything anything”

“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.

spider: sup

me: omg stay away

spider: don’t worry I’m a good spider

me: there’s good spiders?

spider: hahaha no I’m gonna get you