Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So, when does this adulthood thing start then?

I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years

Me: Remind me of your name again?

Ben: It’s Ben

Me: one week since you looked at me…

A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.

mobster substitute teacher: so you see, the rats sleep with the fishes

kids: *nervously flipping through their zoology books*

i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.

imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains

When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:

(McDonald’s bathroom)

*pulls away from kissing*

You’re better than my mirror at home

“don’t tell your girl”

me to my girl : and she said i shouldn’t tell you imagine

[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.

Idiot.

I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.

Oh my God.

if you watch the titanic backwards hundreds of disgusting sea zombies come together as a community and rebuild an old ship

My child is sniffing a bruise on his arm to figure out how badly it hurts.

The Secret Service are so bad at their jobs. Everyone’s heard of them.

A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge

Things that are not cool:
– smoking
– having cable
– ant farms
– beyblades
– anyone still reading this

My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?

My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!

Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.

I would make an awesome panda because I too excel at looking adorable while doing nothing.

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

Somewhere on a windy pasture under this moon there’s a barbed wire fence I left more of myself on than I realized.

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.

“Let’s circle back”

– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring

“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”

– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about

I’m not saying that I haven’t incorporated math into my adult life. I’m just saying I could’ve dropped out after elementary school.

I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.