ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
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Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..
Me: Yes.
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Me: What does that cloud look like to you?
3-year-old: A cloud.
Me: No, what do you imagine it could be?
3-year-old: Rain.
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
The opposite of goth is stopth.
Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want
8yo: I feel like you’re always making up rules and stuff
Me: like what?
8yo: like if we don’t pick up our room a portal will open and take us to another dimension
Me: well that’s what happened to your older brother
8yo: what older brother?
Me: exactly!
4 a.m.
9-yr-old: DADDY I JUST HAD A NIGHTMARE
daddy: mine’s just starting
[rock climbing]
me: *out of breath*
Dwayne Johnson: ok get off me
The secret to a fulfilling and loving relationship is mortal kombat
Jack: how’s it going
Beans: pretty good– Jack and the beans talk
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
If you hate the word moist, try replacing it with muggy.
For example: Her panties were muggy af.
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
google ai LOVES to step in when it sees “vs” and will try its hardest to compare whatever you throw at it
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Snack for election night!
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw