Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!

SOCRATES: [dying] Plato, my dear pupil, I’ve always wanted to tell you something.
PLATO: Yes, my teacher.
SOCRATES: I often made sweet sweet love to your mom. Now please take good care of my documents.
…
PLATO: [Socrates’s funeral] Too bad he left us no writing.

I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.

On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”

..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”

Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME

There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.

[Interview]

Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?

Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!

me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around

boss: you’re still fired

Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.

White clothes: lol same.

People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.

Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.

Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?

Me: on the wall!

Hitman: that’s a spider

Me: kill it!

Imagine if America cut open the Statue of Liberty and found skeletons inside and it turned out the French had just failed a trojan mission.

*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel

A little discriminatory towards Jesus.

I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap

nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety

me: no need i already have it

My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.

YOU CANT GROUND ME, THE GOVERNMENT ALREADY DID
-Kids

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.

My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing

canning is fun because if you get all the steps exactly right you get to eat very old cucumbers and if you get the steps even the littlest bit wrong you get to die of botulism

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

A COWORKER BROUGHT HER INFANT INTO THE OFFICE LET’S ALL CROWD AROUND AND TERRIFY IT. -women

The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.

ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!

COP: Where were you the night of murder?

Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name