Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
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[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
[First Date]
Me: so can I see you again?
Her: I had a nice time but I don’t think so
Me: *stops holding in stomach*
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Do you think Jesus described his hair color as light blonde or summer wheat?
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
[Hillbilly court]
Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?
Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did
[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3