Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Judge: Did you commit murder?

Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.

Judge: hahaha!

Me: hahaha!

Judge: Life.

cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55

me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha

cop: sure whatever

[later in traffic court]

judge: how were you going 420 in a 55

Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.

*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*

I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.

waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for

[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.

“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”

WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today

ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school

“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”

– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date

My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.

If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet

Right next to the beer fridge

Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground

Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency

Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there

I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating

i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.

is nasa ok

Dr: do you have kids?
me: yes I have 3 kids
Dr: do you drink?
me: yes I have 3 kids

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”

One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.

Sunday

I don’t mind that you leave me a voicemail, but can you finish your sandwich first?

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8

I bought some Prevagen to improve memory, focus, and concentration. Now, where did I put it… I just had it a minute ago… Anyway, what was I saying?

Unsolved mysteries, cat edition

I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.