Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game

How to make a grown man cry.
Take him shopping with you.

Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-

My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

My acting reel includes clips of me “listening” during Zoom meetings

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

Home is where the Wi-Fi is.

What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.

What I should have said: I’ll do better.

What I actually said: You should see my kids.

Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.

my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?

I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.

I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey

Went to a social event for my kid’s new school and they asked the parents to share what your friends like in 7th grade and I told them if I shared that you wouldn’t let your kid hang out with mine.

“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”

– people with stupid names

Them: children are innocent and go to heaven

Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?

I’d travel halfway across the world just to drop an anvil on your head.

Ask Jesus if he loves me, but be cool about it.

911,What’s your emergency?

Me: I think it’s a heart attack

911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)

Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*

Me: No good

Wife: Why not?

Me: Seems shady

Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*

(True)

They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.

*crashes vehicle*

“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”

*dies smiling*

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?

“Houston we … are fine.”

Female astronaut probably

Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.