Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
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Bottles of beer on the wall, red balloons, and Jay Z’s problems wish former President Jimmy Carter a happy birthday.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
Hear me out!
A Terms & Conditions, written entirely in emojis.
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
if you think about it Medusa had a lot of solid friends
Breaking news:
bartender: what’s wrong with you
best man: they kicked me out because i dropped the mike after the wedding toast
bartender: well that’s excessive-
best man: mike is the groom
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay