Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.

LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.

JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.

Imagine me with poor grammar. Wrong. Worser.

9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.

I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.

My daughter is texting her cousin and just asked me to spell “hallucinations” should I be worried? It’s probably fine

I don’t use commas in my tweets I am a rebel without a pause

I don’t know why “you made your bed now lie in it” is a bad thing. It sounds great! I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

Apparently, my concussed brain found it totally acceptable to burst out with, “I’m sorry. I don’t know what we have talked about for the last 15 minutes so I’m going to leave. Bye,” on a work call, and then proceeded to hang up the phone.

me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together

veggies in my fridge:

I bet if Jesus had turned water into Vodka. The Bible would’ve been a lot more interesting.

Show someone you hate them by buying them an Edible Arrangement.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

‘Hey look, hot dogs!’

Dogs: *blush* omg thanks

If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork

Me: I’m on a diet.

Random: a diet is just what you eat. Technically everyone is on a diet.

Me: do you want to go fishing? Don’t worry about what the bucket and bags of cement are for.

I looked into it and it would only cost $20 or $30 to rent a stall at a farmers market and put out a bunch of empty crates and if someone makes eye contact you smile sheepishly and say “Forgot to farm”

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

Me: you know in that remake of mad max where the blind dude is playing guitar on the spiky death metal car with flames shooting out of it and people are swinging around throwing spears?

Wedding Planner: what

I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”

Monica just destroyed the internet

“Please enter the 6-digit code we have just sent to your device”

Well hold on there just a minute. Someone has just texted me

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

[meeting girlfriend at the park]

Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!

Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.

DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.

ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.

DOCTOR: I meant-

ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.

Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.

Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.