Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
You Might Also Like
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
Home #decor warning.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Me *gently touches my wife’s casket* if I could change this I would
Wife: it’s your worst birthday gift yet
He challenged me to eat just one chip.
So I had two. Dozen.
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
My kids started calling me boss today, so now I have the painful task of figuring out which one I’m going to have to let go.
[me as a drug dealer]
Me: wanna buy some acid?
Guys: yeah, whaddya got?
Me: I’ve got fatty, amino, and folic
Guys: (stab me repeatedly)
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute
remember
only for emergencies
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
The three ages of bureaucrat:
Age 25: Why don’t I get to go to any meetings?
Age 35: I feel so validated by attending all these important meetings
Age 42: I will do anything legal to avoid godforsaken meetings
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
This was my dad’s browser history.