Me:You have your good days. You have your bad days.
Wife: WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?!
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Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
me: *puts on reading glasses to eat a sandwich*
One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
ME: excuse me did you say this was non-GMO
WAITER: yes that’s right
ME: [pointing to my alphabet soup] there’s like a dozen of them in there
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Teslas don’t have “New Car” smell…
They have an Elon Musk.
Feeling a little sad…
…saw a FB post about someone that has “the best girlfriend ever” and realized that I have to settle for 2nd best.
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
cop: you’re under arrest
me: you’re under arrest
cop: what
me: get in the car
cop: yours or mine
me: yours
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
If snakes were wide
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
I don’t know what to do
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another