Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
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Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
I’m thinking about getting a mirror over my bed so I can watch myself while I’m eating cereal.
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
[buying house plants] hey wanna come back to my place and die
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
This is what makes twitter great
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.