Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

me tracking my package 5 minutes after i just ordered it

My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.

I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.

Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving

ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change

WIFE: ok you’ve got a week

ME: [crying] a weak what?

Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?

Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds

My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.

I screen shot the stupidest shit. There is no way I’ll ever actually make protein pudding or “natures Gatorade.”

My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.

* Finds what I’m looking for

* Can’t remember why I was looking

I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.

You can always tell if the person in a portrait is a politician by the way their lies follow you around the room

OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!

ME: Thanks I could really use the help

GUY: hey pal, if you have a problem, say it to my face

ME: *gets really close* i’m two months behind on my rent

At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.

Wait. They gave out a Pulitzer Prize for criticism, and my mother didn’t win it?

I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.

My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.

Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.

Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.

wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.

[anniversary text]

H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.

M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?

most embarrassing email exchange I ever had:
– Sent an email
– They replied & called me “Mautice”
– I reply with a stink about how my name is properly spelled and that it’s actually really important to me
– They told me to check my 1st email
– I had misspelled my own name

Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.