mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
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I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
Grammar isn’t just grandpa’s wife.
*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
A lot of people have asked me what happened to my 25-year-old boyfriend. I’m sorry to say that eventually (I believe) he did turn 26
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
you guys all say you hate lawyers until you need our help navigating the extremely burdensome and unforgiving system we designed
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
What you call “Brunch” I call “Breakfast for Alcoholics.”