mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
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Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
If you post a handstand photo of yourself at the beach in Uggs you’re automatically entered into an essay contest on why you love your Jetta
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
Busting out of a grave like a zombie but I just have to pee real bad.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
Me: Hi, yes I have a reservation for one womb with a view?
Receptionist: What?
Husband: [Exasperated sigh] we’re here for an ultrasound.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
Cute guy: Can I pet your dog?
Me: (several blocks later) I have soft hair too. 🙁
If ovens self clean when the temperature inside is above 800°, why is my car still dirty?
Sci-fi is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this and fantasy is when Benedict Cumberbatch looks like this
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.