mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
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It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
You don’t care when my dog does it, is not an acceptable explanation for shitting on your neighbor’s lawn. I know this now.
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
(on a first date) im a ketchup on eggs kinda girl
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
My apartment is a mess, I should move
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.