MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room
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Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Alexa: *deep breath*
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Underwear…
Because every present needs to be wrapped.
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
cause of death:
autopsy.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
*sees a baby deer drinking from a stream*
*very quietly pulls out phone*
*likes Ice-T on Facebook*
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
[Being murdered while eating a salad]
Please sir will you stab the spinach out of my teeth don’t let them find me like this
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Imma just leave this here…………
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
”Found unresponsive” is the new “discovered unconscious.” But it still means the same thing. You can’t handle your Chardonnay, Janice
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?