Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Airport security]

Guard: Your flight leaves in 5 minutes

Centipede: No problem. I’ll just run. I have 100 legs.

Guard: Remove your shoes

My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.

Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.

Puffer fish: Dammit.

To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.

Why is everything so sticky?

-parenthood

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

😝

Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….

Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.

If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not

AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE

Thanks.

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.

2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.

Galentine’s Day? Friendsgiving? Cinco de Drinko? Friyay?

Take me now, covid.

Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.

i usually decompose after work rather than decompress

damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously

Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!

Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?

Gandalf:

Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way

Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentator

Pfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand

A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.

So I peed on her

fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”

[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”

It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:

Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.

Cop: seen anything unusual?

Me: a dolphin with a hat once

Cop: I mean around here

Me: nah they live in water

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.